Updated: Apr 3
There have been many times in my life when God has whispered, “Not now”. Almost all of these times, I have been able to accept that God has a bigger, better plan for my life. In 2019, I had a semi-healthy pregnancy that blessed us with our son, Tucker; therefore, I wasn’t too concerned about trying for another baby. Yet August 12th God whispered, “Not now,” in a way that I still struggle to understand. As 2021 began, I had a blighted ovum miscarriage; it was early in the pregnancy as I was only seven weeks when I found out. In my mind, I accepted this loss because nothing really formed; God had protected my heart. I also knew that we were going to face heartbreak in the months to come, and in April we lost our Nene, my husband’s mother, after a quick battle with cancer. At this point, it was confirmation that God was covering our family and that the miscarriage was an unforeseen blessing. It is hard to understand and accept that God knows when things may be “wrong” or that another path is the best, yet continually in life I have been shown that God has a bigger blessing in store. Mid-May I went to my OBGYN to have an ultrasound and confirm everything was healed; at this appointment, she thought based on something she saw in the ultrasound that I was pregnant. I was in complete shock. I probably took fifty pregnancy tests until June 8th when it popped up positive. I was thrilled but terrified.
If I am completely transparent and honest, I knew something was not right from the beginning. God was tugging at my heart and still whispering, “Not now”. I have always been told, “the writing is on the wall”...however I refused to read or accept it. I asked myself, “How could God allow me to become pregnant after losing a baby earlier this year knowing I would not be able to keep it?” on a daily basis. I continued to stay hopeful, but in my heart, I just knew.
August 12th I had an appointment to check the progress and finally hear the heartbeat. My husband was sick and decided to stay home since it was just a routine appointment. As I sat in the lobby, I knew something was wrong. I felt hot all over and like I could pass out at any moment. I just assumed it was my nerves since a week earlier, I had bled but everything was fine. When I was taken back to Room 4 (I vividly remember all the small details of this appointment), the nurse got the doppler out to find the heartbeat. She continued to search for the longest and then told me it was my lucky day because I would be getting an ultrasound. I simply replied, “I don’t think it’s my lucky day”. I knew; I heard the whisper. When the ultrasound tech could not find the heartbeat and my doctor uttered the words, “There is no heartbeat,” I thought I would die. It wasn’t over though. She then explained that I had to deliver my thirteen-week fetus. I cried out to God. I was so empty. I simply became numb. The next days blur together as my husband and I navigated this loss. Everything in my soul hurt, but there was this strength within me that I couldn’t understand. I cried I raged, I cried some more, yet at the same time, I was at peace. It even sounds bizarre to me, yet there was an understanding that everything would be okay in time. God showed me that even in my time of loss, I was surrounded by some of the biggest blessings: my husband, my baby boy, my family, my work family, and even people I didn’t know. All these people were supporting me and praying for me. I also now had an opportunity to share my story and help others know that although it may not be your time, God will provide.
As time continues on, I know God was telling us, “Not now”. And honestly, maybe, “Not ever.” If I said I just easily accept this, I would be lying. I am angry, hurt, and even at times a bit lost. My best friend has a healthy pregnancy, pregnancy announcements are posted every day, a co-worker is pregnant, etc- it’s a painful reminder at all turns. But I’m not angry with God. I know He has a plan to bless my life in ways I can’t imagine. I may never know why I lost my babies; I may never get to have another baby. I may never be able to fully recognize the blessings He delivers while I am on this Earth. But I am immeasurably blessed. And as He continues to whisper, “Not now” I will put my trust and hope in His plan.
“ In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9